Am I doing this right?

I am screaming on the inside. And well, on the outside too depending on the next little person to come to me to tattle on another, or the next time my husband chews too loudly... I am at the end of me. I have reached it, and sadly it is a way shorter trip than I would like to admit. I mean it didn't take much for me to crumble this time. Crying before and after everything I do. Seeing light at the end of the tunnel isn't even helping in this moment of self-pity and wallowing. I can't fix it now and that makes me sad. I can fix it someday way off in the future, but today I can't make it all better and that makes me feel defeated. I wonder how Moses felt while wandering for 40 years? I wonder how it felt for him to wander... He was provided for everyday by THE miraculous hand of God (just like me!) and his people had no needs that weren't met (just like my own family) BUT the people he was with still complained and still doubted (just like my people... only I'm also guilty of not also being satisfied). I can totally get why Moses got angry at the end of his long journey. What I do not get is what took him so long??? I am there today, ready to throw in the towel, ready to move the kids out to better opportunities and ready to just sit alone in the desert, with just me and God until I die. I am being extreme right now because my heart is heavy. I have prayed relentlessly, I have begged and I have pleaded, I have stopped to listen and I have rested. I have heard God and yet His answer is still vague and not perfectly clear. All I have is a promise that I cling to, no time-line or even a clear direction, just a promise and daily provision. "JUST!?!" Why is there no joy in that? Why do I still pace back and forth with worry? Why do I get grumpy at unrelated things so I can vent my frustration? Why is reciting all the things I have to be thankful for not making me feel thankful and grateful? Why is casting all my burdens so hard? THE GOD of everything has spoken to me, He has given my family and I our daily bread. He has called me out of the darkness and He has shown me wonderful things to come. Today my faith is just not enough, the joy and hope set before me is greater than all my troubles combined and still I struggle. God is so very patient with me in my broken moments, I do not deserve it. I have received kindness instead of rudeness. I have been given abundantly more than what I have cried for and I am loved even when I am unlovable. If anything I have learned that the call I have begged so many time to be put on my life, I simply do not deserve nor can I live up to it and yet God has not yet revoked it. He has not thrown in the towel on me, but I can imagine he has wanted to snap me with a wet end of it from time to time... So today I had to ask myself, "Am I doing this right?" Conclusion: "I'm trying." I loose my temper but seek forgiveness, I get panicked then breathe deep. I get fearful then I get thankful, I get sad and then I get full of joy. We can't get it right unless we get it wrong sometimes. I wouldn't seek forgiveness if I wasn't so down right sinful when I get mad, I wouldn't be as thankful if I didn't know the fear of loss and I wouldn't know JOY if I didn't also know sadness. So today I am working on doing "this" right even when I get it all wrong.

"Though the fig tree does not bud

and there are no grapes on the vines;

though the olive crops fail

and the fields produce no food,

though there are no sheep in the pin

and no cattle in the stalls,

Yet I will rejoice in The LORD,

I will be joyful in God my Savior."

Habakkuk 3:17-18